48 Sarcastic Jokes for Work
Dry, sarcastic jokes that are still safe to share at work.
For the coworker who says “love that for us” about every new policy. These sarcastic jokes are dry, witty and safe enough for the team chat.
Office sarcasm (19)
Dry takes on email, meetings and corporate-speak.
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I love when an email starts with “Quick question.”
It is never quick, and it is never one question.
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In office email, “Per my last email” means
“As I already said, you absolute walnut.”
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Someone in every video call asks, “Can everyone see my screen?”
Yes, Greg. And all 47 of your open tabs.
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My performance review says I “meet expectations.”
Which is impressive, considering how low they were.
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The job ad said, “Must thrive in a fast-paced environment.”
Translation: the last three people quit, and you’re replacing all of them.
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The meeting was scheduled for 15 minutes.
We’re in hour two, and someone just said, “Quick question.”
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My company offers unlimited vacation days.
So far, the record is zero.
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Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Celebrating the fifth anniversary of you asking me that question.”
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Our CEO says employees are the company’s greatest asset.
Which explains why they keep trying to liquidate us.
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On my first day, my boss said, “We’re like a family here.”
Great. So when do I start getting an allowance?
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My boss loves to remind everyone that his door is always open.
It is. He’s just never behind it.
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My coworker starts every meeting comment with, “Just to play devil’s advocate…”
The devil has plenty of lawyers, Todd. He’s fine.
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A coworker greeted me this morning with a cheerful “Happy Monday!”
I’ve reported him to HR for spreading misinformation.
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Our company switched to an open office to improve communication.
Now everyone wears noise-canceling headphones and communicates by sighing.
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Management couldn’t afford raises this year, so they threw us a pizza party instead.
My landlord does not accept pepperoni.
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Our company retreat ended with a trust-fall exercise.
Turns out we don’t.
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Our company canceled the office costume contest to boost productivity.
So now we just come to work dressed as people who care.
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HR sent out an anonymous survey asking if employees feel heard.
My manager called me in to discuss my answers.
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When our big project succeeded, my boss told the CEO, “We nailed it.”
When it failed, he said, “So walk me through what you did.”
Tech and customer service (15)
Chatbots, self-checkout and phone menus that test everyone’s patience.
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I love the self-checkout lane.
Unpaid job, zero training, and a boss who screams “unexpected item.”
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The automated phone system asked me to describe my problem in a few words.
I said, “Your automated phone system.” It didn’t understand.
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The chatbot cheerfully said, “I’m here to help!”
Then it sent me a link to the page I was already on.
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I unsubscribed from their emails.
They emailed me to confirm I’d never hear from them again.
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The delivery app sent a photo proving my package had arrived.
Lovely porch. Not mine, but lovely.
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“Your call may be recorded for quality purposes.”
Great. Somewhere there’s a recording of me losing my mind.
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The assembly instructions said “easy to assemble.”
I have four leftover screws and serious trust issues.
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The repair video said the whole job takes ten minutes.
Day three. The guy in the video is a liar.
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The customer survey asked how likely I am to recommend this company to a friend.
Zero. I like my friends.
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The website said my new password can’t be the same as my old password.
So you know my old password? Great. What is it?
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After forty minutes on hold, the rep said, “Let me transfer you to someone who can help.”
Wait. You knew about this person the whole time?
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My bank texted me a code to prove it’s really me.
My phone was upstairs. So today, legally, I’m not me.
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The recorded voice said they’re experiencing “higher than normal call volume.”
They’ve said that since 2011. That’s just your volume now.
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The cable company gave me a service window of 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.
That’s not a window. That’s a wall.
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I spent two hours on hold with my internet provider. The hold music was “Don’t Stop Believin’.”
Around minute ninety, I stopped.
Dry takes on everyday life (14)
Deadpan one-liners about people, plans and small daily indignities.
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I’m not sarcastic.
I’m just extremely honest in a tone you don’t enjoy.
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I’m not a pessimist.
I’m an optimist who actually read the fine print.
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I love it when people say, “Calm down.”
It has worked on nobody in recorded history.
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The cashier told me to have a nice day.
Sorry, I’ve already made other plans.
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I sent a long, thoughtful text and got back “k.”
Thank you for that warm, novel-length response.
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This week’s grown-up achievement: I called a company on the actual phone.
I’ll be accepting my parade at noon.
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I joined a gym in January.
I’ve been incredibly consistent about paying for it.
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Every night I have to decide what to make for dinner.
I did this yesterday. Who designed this system?
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My phone’s face recognition doesn’t recognize me before 9 a.m.
Honestly? Neither do I.
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People love to tell me they’re “brutally honest.”
Weird how they’re always more excited about the brutal part.
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Hot yoga classes at the studio downtown cost $30 each.
I do it for free in my car every July.
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My running app keeps cheering, “You’re doing great!”
It’s in my pocket. It hasn’t seen a thing.
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My $12 burrito came to $31 after the delivery fee, the service fee and the tip.
The burrito was the cheapest part of the burrito.
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I started doing yoga to reduce my stress.
Nothing stresses me out like a 24-year-old telling me to breathe into my hip.