30 Funny Marriage Jokes

Husband and wife jokes for couples who have learned to pick their battles.

Marriage is a partnership: one person controls the thermostat and the other one is wrong. These husband and wife jokes rib both sides equally, so you can send them to your spouse and still be married tomorrow.

My wife and I have a system. She makes all the decisions…

…and I make the suggestions she ignores.
For our anniversary, I asked my wife what she wanted. She said, “Surprise me.”

So this year, I remembered it.
I haven’t said a single word to my wife in eighteen months.

I don’t like to interrupt her.
Someone stole my credit card last month, and I still haven’t reported it.

Whoever has it is spending less than my wife.
My wife came into the den and said, “You never listen to me!”

Which I thought was a weird way to start a conversation.
My wife has the worst memory of anyone I’ve ever met.

She remembers everything.
For our anniversary, I bought my wife a brand-new refrigerator.

You should’ve seen her face light up when she opened it.
My wife said she’d be ready to leave for dinner in five minutes.

I’ve since grown a beard.
My wife ran into Target to grab one thing.

Twenty minutes later, the bank called about suspicious activity.
My husband said he was running to the hardware store for one thing.

Three hours and $200 later, he forgot the one thing.
I told my wife she should learn to embrace her mistakes.

She walked over and hugged me.
We’ve been married thirty years, and I still hold my wife’s hand everywhere we go.

If I let go, she shops.
My wife said, “Nothing would make me happier this birthday than a diamond necklace.”

So I got her nothing.
My wife proudly told me she saved $200 at the mall today.

If she saves any more, we’ll lose the house.
The secret to our long marriage? Twice a week, we go out to a nice restaurant.

She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.
My wife says I’m the most immature man she’s ever met.

I told her to get out of my fort.
My husband said he’d do the dishes “in a minute.”

That was 2019.
My wife hid all my snacks so I’d start eating healthier.

Joke’s on her. I’ve never found anything in this house.
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

About thirty pounds.
My husband swears he’s great at multitasking.

He can watch TV and ignore me at the same time.
My husband came down with a 99.1-degree fever yesterday.

This morning he asked me to pick hymns for his funeral.
My in-laws are staying with us for “just a few days.”

I just caught my father-in-law forwarding his mail here.
I asked my wife if she was upset with me. She said, “I’m fine.”

So I cleaned the garage. Twice.
My wife and I split our walk-in closet right down the middle.

She gets the inside, and I get the doorknob.
My wife asked me to say something that would make her heart race.

So I told her I did our taxes myself this year.
My wife has a sixth sense.

The second I sit down, she remembers something in the attic.
My wife promised she’d pack light for our weekend trip.

She did. Only one suitcase is shoes.
For our anniversary, my husband said he wanted to go somewhere he’s never been.

So I showed him the laundry room.
My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.
After forty years of marriage, I still look at my wife the same way I did on our wedding day.

Totally confused.

Try another flavor