36 Funny Doctor Jokes
Doctor jokes for adults: waiting rooms, checkups, prescriptions and the patient who googled it first.
Between the waiting room, the paper gown and the bill, a trip to the doctor needs a few laughs. These doctor jokes keep it light, so they’re safe to share with your actual doctor.
Checkup and doctor’s advice jokes (13)
Eight glasses a day, one drink a day and a weight from a 1998 license.
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My doctor told me to drink eight glasses a day. Then he looked at my chart again.
“Of water. Eight glasses of water.”
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The nurse asked my weight. I gave her the number on my driver’s license.
She said, “Sir, that license is from 1998.”
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My doctor told me to cut back to one drink a day.
Good news: I’m now three months ahead.
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My doctor looked at my chart and said, “You’re going to live to be ninety.”
I said, “I am ninety.” He said, “See? Told you.”
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Doctor asked if I’ve been taking my pills as directed.
The bottle said “Keep tightly closed,” so no.
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My new prescription says, “Do not operate heavy machinery.”
Finally, a doctor’s note to get out of mowing the lawn.
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The doctor asked how my memory has been lately. I said, “Terrible.” He asked, “How long?”
I said, “How long what?”
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My doctor said I need to lose 30 pounds. I asked for a second opinion.
He said, “Sure. Forty.”
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I told my doctor I exercise every single day.
Right on cue, my smartwatch buzzed: “Time to stand up!”
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The doctor smiled and asked, “So, what brings you in today?”
“My wife. She’s parked out front so I can’t escape.”
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My doctor said I’m in fantastic shape for a man of seventy.
I’m fifty-two.
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The doctor asked, “Do you smoke?” No. “Drink?” No. “Any bad habits at all?”
“Just one. I lie to doctors.”
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My doctor asked how many drinks I have a week. I said three.
He wrote down nine. We’ve known each other a long time.
Waiting room and appointment jokes (5)
“The doctor will see you shortly,” and other famous last words.
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The receptionist smiled and said, “The doctor will see you shortly.”
I’m now eligible for Medicare.
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The nurse handed me a paper gown that ties in the back.
Apparently my dignity was not covered by insurance.
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My doctor told me I need more sleep. Very serious about it.
Then his office booked my next appointment for 6:45 a.m.
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They charge me a $50 fee if I’m fifteen minutes late to my appointment.
The doctor was ninety minutes late. Still waiting on my check.
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The first opening for an appointment was in April.
That’s fine. By then I’ll have something better to show him.
Dentist, eye doctor and pharmacy jokes (8)
Gums that rat you out and the eternal panic of “one, or two?”
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At the eye doctor, she pointed at the chart and said, “Read me the bottom line.”
“Total due: $340.”
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My dentist asked if I’ve been flossing every day. I said, “Absolutely, every single day.”
My gums immediately started bleeding just to rat me out.
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The pharmacist squinted at my doctor’s handwriting for ten straight minutes.
Then she just gave me whatever she had the most of.
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Why do dentists ask you questions with both hands in your mouth?
It’s the only argument they’re guaranteed to win.
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The dentist looked at my X-rays and said, “You’re going to need a crown.”
Finally, someone who sees me the way I see me.
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The pharmacist asked which arm I wanted my flu shot in.
I said, “Yours.”
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My audiologist says my hearing is perfect.
My wife is demanding a recount.
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The eye doctor flips the lenses and asks, “Better: one, or two?”
I panic every time, like there’s a new car riding on it.
Googling symptoms and hypochondriac jokes (4)
WebMD says days to live, the doctor says sinus infection, Reddit breaks the tie.
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WebMD said I had days to live. My doctor said it’s a sinus infection.
I’m getting a tiebreaker from a guy on Reddit.
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My doctor said I’m a hypochondriac.
Great. One more thing I have.
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My doctor told me to stop googling my symptoms.
Then he turned to his computer and googled them.
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Every drug commercial says, “Ask your doctor if it’s right for you.”
My doctor has asked me to please stop watching TV.
Medical bill and insurance jokes (6)
Twenty-two-dollar tissues and the out-of-network guy with the ice chips.
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My doctor referred me to a specialist. That specialist referred me to another specialist.
At this point, I’m basically a hot potato with a co-pay.
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The doctor took my blood pressure. Totally normal.
Then the billing office called, and he took it again.
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I asked my surgeon how long recovery would take.
He said, “Depends. What kind of insurance do you have?”
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My hospital bill listed $22 for one box of tissues.
To be fair, I used them all crying over the bill.
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My new prescription costs $400 a month.
With the manufacturer’s coupon, it’s only $398.
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The hospital was in my network. The surgeon was in my network.
The guy who handed me ice chips was not.