30 Lawyer Jokes
Lawyer jokes (clean): billable hours, fine print and the answer “it depends.”
Lawyers bill by the hour, read the fine print and answer every question with “it depends.” These lawyer jokes are clean, sharp and, legally speaking, totally harmless. Probably.
Classic lawyer jokes (6)
The old favorites about honest lawyers, St. Peter’s math and “allegedly.”
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Three job candidates were asked, “What’s two plus two?” The engineer said four. The accountant said four.
The lawyer closed the blinds and whispered, “What do you need it to be?”
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My lawyer called with news: “The bad news is, your DNA was all over the crime scene.”
“The good news is, your cholesterol is down to 130.”
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My buddy the defense attorney looked his wife in the eyes and said, “I love you.”
Then, out of pure habit, “Allegedly.”
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A man walking through a cemetery read a headstone: “Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.”
He said, “Since when do they bury two guys in one grave?”
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I asked a first-year law student what he’s learned so far. He said, “Mostly that the answer is ‘it depends.’” I asked, “On what?”
“That’s second-year material.”
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I told my wife, who’s a lawyer, all about my fantasy football draft.
She said, “Objection. Relevance.”
Legal fee and billable hour jokes (12)
For anyone who got billed for asking their lawyer about the weekend.
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I asked a lawyer, “Isn’t $600 a lot to charge for answering three questions?”
“It is. Now, what’s your third question?”
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My lawyer swore, “We’ll take this all the way to the Supreme Court!” Then he asked how much money I had.
I said $3,000. He said, “Then we’ll take it to about Thursday.”
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A lawyer dies at 52 and asks St. Peter why he was called up so young.
“Son, according to your billable hours, you’re 104.”
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My lawyer explained his contingency fee: “If we lose, I get nothing.”
“If we win, you get nothing.”
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After two years of fighting, my lawyer advised me to settle for $5,000.
Which, by an amazing coincidence, is exactly what I owe him.
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I went through my lawyer’s bill line by line. The very last item:
“Preparing this bill: 1.5 hours.”
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A lawyer’s son joined the firm and proudly announced he’d settled the Miller case his dad worked on for 15 years.
“Settled it? Son, that case paid for your law school!”
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My lawyer bills in six-minute increments. When he called, I asked how his weekend was.
That answer cost me $48.
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I sued my neighbor in small claims court over a $90 fence repair. My lawyer charged $900.
But I won! I’m only out $810.
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A butcher asked a lawyer, “If a dog steals a $20 steak, is the owner liable?” “Yes.” “Great. It was your dog.”
The lawyer paid the $20. Then he sent the butcher a $200 bill.
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I represented myself in small claims court to save on legal fees. I lost.
So I sued my lawyer for malpractice. Lost that too.
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My lawyer’s business card has fine print on the back.
It says reading it counts as a consultation.
Courtroom and cross-examination jokes (8)
Real-sounding questions from the witness stand, and judges who’ve heard it all.
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The judge glared at the lawyer and said, “Counselor, are you trying to show contempt for this court?”
“No, Your Honor. I’m trying very hard to hide it.”
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During jury selection, one man said he couldn’t be fair. “Just look at that guy. He’s obviously guilty.”
The judge said, “Sir, that’s the defense attorney.”
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The prosecutor had three witnesses who saw my client take the TV.
My client offered to bring three hundred who didn’t.
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The lawyer asked, “She had three children, correct?” “Yes.” “How many were boys?” “None.”
“And were there any girls?”
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The attorney asked the witness, “How old is your son, the one who lives with you?” “Thirty-five or thirty-eight. I forget.”
“And how long has he lived with you?” “Forty-five years.”
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The attorney asked the medical examiner, “How many of your autopsies were performed on dead people?”
“All of them. The other kind put up a fight.”
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The lawyer asked, “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice?”
“No, sir. This is how I always dress for work.”
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The judge sentenced the 80-year-old defendant to twenty years. “But Your Honor, I won’t live that long!”
The judge said, “Then just do what you can.”
Fine print and legalese jokes (4)
Footnoted texts, 112-page “quick” briefs and holiday cards with disclaimers.
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I asked my lawyer for a simple yes or no.
His text had footnotes.
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My lawyer sent us a holiday card that said, “Happy Holidays!”
Followed by two paragraphs explaining it is not a guarantee of happiness.
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I read the entire 60-page contract before signing it, every word.
Page 59 says they can change pages 1 through 58 whenever they want.
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My lawyer said he’d send over a quick brief.
It’s 112 pages. I’m scared to see a long one.