50 Funny Husband Jokes
Husband jokes for wives who have heard “I know where it is” one too many times.
He can find a sports score from 1987 but not the ketchup in the fridge. These husband jokes are affectionate, accurate and perfect for sending straight to him.
Husbands, as wives see them (29)
Hardware-store runs, dishes “in a minute” and the dreaded man cold.
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My husband said he’d do the dishes “in a minute.”
That was 2019.
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My husband said he was running to the hardware store for one thing.
Three hours and $200 later, he forgot the one thing.
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My husband swears he’s great at multitasking.
He can watch TV and ignore me at the same time.
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My husband came down with a 99.1-degree fever yesterday.
This morning he asked me to pick hymns for his funeral.
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My husband has a cold and says it’s the worst pain he’s ever felt.
I showed him the pain scale. He picked eleven and asked for pudding.
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My husband says he looked everywhere for the mustard.
To him, “everywhere” means one shelf, at eye level, for four seconds.
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My son asked if we could get a dog. I told him, “Ask your father.”
Ten minutes later, my husband asked me if we could get a dog.
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My husband says the tryptophan in turkey makes him sleepy.
Funny how it kicks in the second the dishes start.
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In horror movies, the scariest call is the one coming from inside the house.
At my house, that’s just my husband texting from the couch for chips.
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For our anniversary, my husband said he wanted to go somewhere he’s never been.
So I showed him the laundry room.
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My husband swore haunted houses don’t scare him one bit.
Then a clown popped out, and he found an exit the building didn’t have.
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My husband and my dog both snore like freight trains.
Only one gets sent to the couch, and it’s not the dog.
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My family knows not to talk to me before my first cup of coffee.
The dog learned it in a day. My husband’s still in training.
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My husband cooked dinner. It was awful, but I told him it was delicious.
Rookie mistake. Now he cooks every Thursday.
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After grading 130 essays this weekend, I found a sweet note from my husband saying he loves me.
I handed it back with “Needs supporting evidence” written in red.
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This year I got birthday wishes from my bank, my dentist, my car dealership and a pizza chain.
My husband found out from the pizza chain.
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What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About thirty pounds.
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My husband cleaned the bathroom exactly once.
He still cites it in every argument as Exhibit A.
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My husband watched one YouTube video and rewired the dining room light himself.
Now the doorbell turns on the garbage disposal.
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My husband says I’m always finishing his sentences.
Somebody has to. He started this one in 1998.
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My husband swore he doesn’t snore, so I recorded him all night.
He listened to it and said it was a deepfake.
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My husband shops like a SWAT team.
In and out in four minutes. Wrong size. No receipt.
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My husband argues with the GPS lady every time we drive anywhere.
Yesterday she said, “Recalculating… you know what? Fine.”
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My husband did the dishes and vacuumed without being asked.
So now I’m going through the credit card statement.
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I’ve been watching TV with my husband for thirty years.
I’ve seen the first eight seconds of every show ever made.
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My husband grilled the burgers while I spent three hours making everything else.
Somehow he took a bow for the potato salad.
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My husband does all his Christmas shopping on December 24th at a gas station.
Last year I got wiper fluid and a beautiful jerky assortment.
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After twenty-five years of his snoring, we finally got separate bedrooms.
Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is down the hall.
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My husband never empties his pockets before I do the laundry.
I stopped reminding him years ago. That’s not laundry. That’s my retirement plan.
Husbands owning it (11)
Husbands poking fun at themselves, from blanket forts to Christmas lights.
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My wife says I’m the most immature man she’s ever met.
I told her to get out of my fort.
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My wife and I agreed: whoever wakes up first makes the coffee.
I’ve been “asleep” until 9 a.m. for six straight years.
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My audiologist says my hearing is perfect.
My wife is demanding a recount.
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My wife asked why I need fourteen fishing rods. I explained that each one has a different purpose.
She asked which one was for catching fish.
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I told my wife I’d hang the Christmas lights myself this year.
The neighbors pulled up lawn chairs.
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Last minute, I threw a bedsheet over my head and went to the party as a ghost.
Now I’m explaining to my wife why her good sheets have eyeholes.
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The doctor smiled and asked, “So, what brings you in today?”
“My wife. She’s parked out front so I can’t escape.”
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Every couples costume takes a little compromise.
So she’s Wonder Woman, and I’m the guy holding her purse.
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My wife asks what I’m thinking about, and I always say, “Nothing.”
She never believes me. It’s my one true talent.
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I forgot our anniversary again this year.
In my defense, it’s on the exact same day every year.
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My wife says I remember every shot of every round, but I can’t remember our anniversary.
Not true. I three-putted 18 on our anniversary. Haunts me to this day.
Retired husbands at home (10)
What happens when a husband retires and suddenly has all day at home.
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I retired and started helping my wife around the house every day.
She went back to work.
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My wife suggested I find a hobby now that I’m retired.
Apparently, following her from room to room doesn’t count.
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My first week of retirement, I reorganized all my wife’s kitchen cabinets.
My second week, she reorganized my golf clubs. Into a yard sale.
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My doctor said I need to get more rest.
My wife said, “From what?”
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My wife says I golf every day. I told her the doctor wants me walking more.
She said, “You take a cart.”
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I told my wife I wasn’t asleep in my recliner. I was just resting my eyes.
She asked why my eyes were snoring.
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I’ve gotten so good at napping since I retired, I can do it with my eyes open.
My wife calls it “listening.”
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My wife says having me home all day is like getting a second dog.
Except the first one lets her finish a sentence.
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Since I retired, my wife packs me a nice lunch every single day.
Then she drops me off at the library to eat it.
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Since I retired, I’ve been going grocery shopping with my wife to help.
Now she goes at 6 a.m., while I’m still asleep.