30 Dad Jokes That Are Actually Funny
Dad jokes that earn the groan and the laugh. Use responsibly.
A great dad joke gets a groan and a laugh at the same time. We kept only the ones that manage both, so you can deliver them with full confidence and a straight face.
More specific lists
Dad jokes about the wife (5)
The puns that earn a husband the long, slow, silent stare.
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My wife says I have absolutely no sense of direction.
So I packed my bags and right.
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My wife handed me her new phone and asked me to sync it.
It’s at the bottom of the lake now. She’s not happy.
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on way too high.
She looked surprised.
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My wife asked me to please stop doing my flamingo impression.
So I had to put my foot down.
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I told my wife I was building a car entirely out of spaghetti.
You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
Classic setup dad jokes (7)
Walks into a bar, two fish in a tank and other timeless groaners.
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Two fish are sitting in a tank. One turns to the other.
“Do you have any idea how to drive this thing?”
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I asked my gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He asked, “How flexible are you?”
I said, “Well, I can’t do Tuesdays.”
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A guy walks into a bar dragging a set of jumper cables.
Bartender says, “Fine, you can stay. Just don’t start anything.”
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I ordered a chicken and an egg online.
I’ll let you know which comes first.
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I asked my dog what two minus two is.
He said nothing.
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A ham sandwich strolls into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender says, “Sorry, pal. We don’t serve food here.”
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Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
Book, word and science puns (10)
For the dad who thinks chemistry jokes are elementary and very, very funny.
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I just finished writing a book on reverse psychology.
Whatever you do, don’t buy it.
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Some jerk broke into my house and stole my thesaurus.
I’m speechless. Stunned. Flabbergasted. Dumbfounded. Lost for words.
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I was going to tell you a great joke about time travel.
But you didn’t like it.
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I went to the library and asked if they had any books on paranoia.
The librarian leaned in and whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
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I’m pretty proud of myself. I just invented a brand-new word.
Plagiarism.
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I spent all morning trying to catch the fog rolling in.
Mist.
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Someone stole my mood ring right off my finger.
I’m still not sure how I feel about it.
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I’d tell you a joke about chemistry, but I won’t.
All the good ones argon.
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I can’t stand Russian nesting dolls.
They’re so full of themselves.
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I’m writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes.
It’s only a rough draft.
Job and everyday life puns (8)
Every job Dad ever lost, and the pun he made about it.
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I gave away all my old dead batteries today.
Free of charge.
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I used to run a dating service for chickens.
But I just couldn’t make hens meet.
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I got let go from the keyboard factory.
Apparently I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
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I used to work at a can-crushing plant.
It was soda pressing.
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I told my contractor I didn’t want carpet on the stairs.
He gave me a blank stare.
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Someone glued every card in my poker deck together.
I don’t know how to deal with it.
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I’ve started a campaign to get more people eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
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I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.