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43 Retirement Jokes for Coworkers

Jokes for a coworker’s retirement card, party or farewell email.

Someone at work is finally clocking out for good. These retirement jokes are made for the card everyone signs, the farewell email and the party in the break room.

See all 47 retirement jokes

Saying goodbye to the office (11)

Farewell jokes about gold watches, last days and the boss.

  1. My first Monday of retirement, I woke up at ten and panicked.

    I called my old boss to say I’d be late. He said, “Take forever.”

  2. After thirty-two years, the company gave me an engraved gold watch at my retirement party.

    The engraving just says, “Finally.”

  3. My coworkers chipped in and bought me a plane ticket to Florida for my retirement.

    One way. They were very clear about that.

  4. After forty years of taking orders, I finally retired and became my own boss.

    Worst employee I’ve ever had. Never shows up before ten.

  5. For thirty years, my boss yelled at me for watching the clock.

    My retirement gift? A clock.

  6. At my retirement party, my boss gave a speech saying I was irreplaceable.

    Then he introduced the intern who’s been doing my job since March.

  7. At my retirement party they swore they’d never forget me.

    Two days later, security wouldn’t let me in.

  8. My coworkers took up a collection for my retirement gift after 31 years.

    Fourteen dollars and a card that says “Get Well Soon.”

  9. The day I retired, my daughter dropped the grandkids off at my house.

    New job. Same hours. Much shorter coworkers.

  10. When I retired, I told my team to call me anytime they needed my expertise.

    They called once. They couldn’t find the good stapler.

  11. At my exit interview, HR asked what I’d miss most about the company.

    I said, “The paycheck.” She wrote down, “The people.”

What retirement really looks like (18)

Endless Saturdays, early-bird dinners and a very tight budget.

  1. Since I retired, every single day feels like Saturday.

    Last week I put the trash out four times.

  2. Retirement is basically a permanent vacation.

    With exactly enough money for the first week.

  3. I threw my alarm clock in the trash the day I retired.

    Now my bladder wakes me at 5 a.m. for free.

  4. Third trip to the hardware store today, just to get out of the house.

    The manager asked if I wanted to clock in.

  5. I have so much free time since retiring that I finally read the terms and conditions.

    Turns out I agreed to a lot.

  6. I’ve gotten so chatty since retiring, I talk to the mail carrier for an hour every day.

    Now he delivers our mail at night.

  7. We sold the house and bought an RV so we could finally see America.

    So far we’ve seen eleven Walmart parking lots.

  8. We went to the diner and asked for the early-bird dinner special.

    The waitress said, “Hon, we’re still serving breakfast.”

  9. My wife and I found a five-course lunch we can afford on a fixed income.

    Costco on sample day.

  10. I asked my financial advisor when I could afford to retire.

    He laughed. Then he billed me for the laugh.

  11. My financial planner asked me to walk him through my retirement strategy.

    I showed him my Powerball tickets. He asked if he could buy in.

  12. I retired to Florida to get away from office politics.

    Then I went to my first condo board meeting.

  13. The worst part of retirement is the weekends.

    All these working people show up and clog my Costco.

  14. Every Tuesday, my retired buddies and I meet for breakfast to solve the world’s problems.

    We’d have it fixed by now if any of us could hear.

  15. For our anniversary, our son booked us a fancy 8 p.m. dinner reservation.

    Very sweet of him. We’ll be asleep, but very sweet.

  16. I asked my financial advisor how my 401(k) did this year.

    He asked if I wanted to sit down. Then he sat down.

  17. I’ve gotten so good at napping since I retired, I can do it with my eyes open.

    My wife calls it “listening.”

  18. Since I retired, the dog has stopped greeting me at the door.

    I never leave. He thinks I came with the house.

Golf, hobbies and the home front (14)

For the retiree heading to the course or home to the spouse.

  1. For thirty years, I said I’d be a great golfer if I didn’t have to work.

    I retired. Work was not the problem.

  2. Since retiring, I golf every day, and my score hasn’t improved at all.

    But my lying has gotten fantastic.

  3. I retired so I could spend more time with my wife.

    Neither of us thought that through.

  4. I retired and started helping my wife around the house every day.

    She went back to work.

  5. My wife suggested I find a hobby now that I’m retired.

    Apparently, following her from room to room doesn’t count.

  6. My first week of retirement, I reorganized all my wife’s kitchen cabinets.

    My second week, she reorganized my golf clubs. Into a yard sale.

  7. My wife retired the same month I did.

    Now this house has two bosses and zero employees.

  8. My wife’s honey-do list is so long, I asked about a 401(k) match.

    She matched it. With a second list.

  9. Our retired foursome plays eighteen holes every morning.

    Combined age: 288. Combined score: about the same.

  10. I took up woodworking in retirement and built my first birdhouse.

    Only $4,000 in tools. The birds prefer the neighbor’s $12 one.

  11. My wife asked why I play golf six days a week now that I’m retired.

    I told her the course is closed on Mondays.

  12. My wife says having me home all day is like getting a second dog.

    Except the first one lets her finish a sentence.

  13. Since I retired, my wife packs me a nice lunch every single day.

    Then she drops me off at the library to eat it.

  14. Since I retired, I’ve been going grocery shopping with my wife to help.

    Now she goes at 6 a.m., while I’m still asleep.

See all 47 retirement jokes

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