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50 Funny Pet Jokes

The best dog and cat jokes in one place, for pet lovers.

Dogs, cats and the people who serve them. These pet jokes are for anyone whose couch, bed and schedule belong to an animal.

See all 39 dog jokes

Dog people (21)

Couch hogs, counter surfers and the warmest welcome home.

  1. My dog greets me at the door like I’ve been away at sea for three years.

    I took out the trash.

  2. I came home to garbage all over the kitchen, and my dog immediately turned and stared at the cat.

    We don’t have a cat.

  3. When we brought the dog home, we set one firm rule: no dogs on the furniture.

    He’s been very gracious about letting us sit on his.

  4. My dog sleeps through thunder, fireworks and the smoke alarm.

    Unwrap one cheese slice and he teleports into the kitchen.

  5. My dog chewed up my entire tax return.

    He’s the first one in this house to get anything out of it.

  6. A doorbell rang on a TV show last night, and my dog went absolutely berserk.

    He’s been protecting us from sitcom characters for six years.

  7. The vet said my dog has to stop eating table scraps.

    So now he eats floor scraps. I’ve become remarkably clumsy.

  8. My dog has been staring at me, unblinking, for a solid hour.

    Either it’s true love, or it’s 4:59 and dinner’s at five.

  9. My dog turns up his nose at $60 grain-free salmon kibble.

    Then eats a napkin he found in a parking lot.

  10. Four years of training, and my dog still can’t learn “stay.”

    But he spots the turn to the vet from three miles away.

  11. My dog and I spent six weeks in obedience school.

    The trainer pulled me aside: “The dog’s fine. It’s you.”

  12. My dog is convinced he’s a lap dog.

    He’s 90 pounds. I haven’t felt my legs since March.

  13. The vet said my dog needs to lose ten pounds.

    I said, “Join the club,” and we both had a treat.

  14. People always ask if my dog is a rescue.

    Sure. He rescues sandwiches off the kitchen counter.

  15. We did one of those DNA tests on our rescue mutt.

    40% Lab, 35% shepherd, 25% “Are you sure this is a dog?”

  16. My dog stood at the window and barked at absolutely nothing for twenty minutes.

    Nothing never came back. He’s counting it as a win.

  17. The groomer gave my dog a fancy haircut and tied a little pink bow on his ear.

    He came home and rolled in something dead to restore his reputation.

  18. My dog barked at the mail carrier every day until she started bringing him treats.

    Now my head of security is on the take.

  19. My dog has been chasing the same squirrel around our backyard for seven years.

    If he ever catches it, I don’t think either of them has a plan.

  20. I set up a pet camera to see what my dog does while I’m at work.

    He sleeps on my pillow all day and jumps down at 5:25 sharp.

  21. I bought my dog a chew toy labeled “indestructible.”

    Turns out that’s not a description. It’s a dare.

Cat people (24)

Cats who run the house and let you live in it.

  1. My cat ignores me for 23 hours a day.

    Then I spend two minutes in the bathroom and she files a missing-persons report.

  2. We named our cat Princess.

    She took it as a job description.

  3. I’ve been training my cat for three years.

    So far she’s taught me to sit, stay, and open cans on command.

  4. I hid my cat’s pill inside a piece of chicken.

    She ate the chicken and left the pill on my pillow. Neatly.

  5. My cat walked across my laptop and bought something online.

    Forty pounds of tuna, express shipping. Best purchase anybody here has made all year.

  6. My cat only naps on clean laundry, and only on the black pants.

    She’s not shedding. She’s autographing.

  7. My cat has no idea what Daylight Saving Time is.

    She just knows breakfast is an hour late and somebody’s getting fired.

  8. We had six friends over, and our cat ignored every one of them except Dave.

    Dave is allergic. And terrified of cats. She knew.

  9. I spent $180 on an orthopedic memory-foam bed for my cat.

    She loves the box it came in.

  10. My cat sleeps sixteen hours a day.

    She spends the other eight making sure I don’t.

  11. My cat can’t hear her own name from six feet away.

    She can hear a can of tuna open from the next county.

  12. I went away for the weekend and left my cat with a sitter.

    The sitter says she was an angel. I’ve never felt so betrayed.

  13. Whenever I sit down to read the newspaper, my cat lies down right on the article.

    She’s not being affectionate. She’s editing.

  14. The vet asked if I’ve been sneaking my cat extra treats. I said absolutely not.

    The scale said nineteen pounds. The scale’s a snitch.

  15. My cat woke me at 4 a.m., yowling like she hadn’t eaten in a week.

    Her bowl was full, except one tiny spot where she could see the bottom.

  16. My cat uses her new scratching post every single day.

    As a landmark. So she can find the couch.

  17. At 6 a.m., my cat put one paw on my water glass and stared straight at me.

    Her terms were clear: breakfast, or the glass gets it.

  18. The insurance agent asked if we own anything fragile.

    I said, “Not since we got the cat.”

  19. I bought an automatic feeder so my cat would stop waking me up at 5 a.m.

    Now she wakes me up at 5 to complain about the feeder.

  20. I updated my will to leave everything to my cat.

    She seemed confused. She assumed it was already hers.

  21. I got home after two weeks away, and my cat barely looked up.

    She greeted me like a coworker she’d hoped had quit.

  22. The vet put my cat on a strict diet, but she hasn’t lost a single ounce.

    Turns out three neighbors also feed her. One of them calls her Gerald.

  23. My cat has her own system for tidying up the house.

    If it doesn’t spark joy, it goes on the floor.

  24. My cat sits in the front window all day, watching the street and taking mental notes.

    Pretty sure she’s the one sending our HOA violation letters.

Dogs versus cats (5)

For households where both sides are represented.

  1. They say dogs have owners.

    Cats have employees, and the benefits are terrible.

  2. Call a dog, and he comes running.

    Call a cat, and it sends you straight to voicemail.

  3. My dog thinks I’m the greatest person who ever lived.

    My cat says that’s exactly why nobody should trust his judgment.

  4. When the dog chewed up one shoe, he looked guilty for a week.

    The cat shredded the couch and asked what’s for dinner.

  5. Our cat swatted our 80-pound dog on the nose exactly once, back in 2019.

    He still asks her permission to use the hallway.

See all 39 dog jokes