25 Funny Getting Older Jokes

Funny jokes about birthdays, bad knees and forgetting why you walked into the room.

Getting older beats the alternative, but it comes with reading glasses, mystery aches and a lot of walking into rooms for no reason. These are the jokes for anyone who has ever said “back in my day” and meant it.

At my age, “getting lucky” means…

finding my car in the parking lot on the first try.
I asked my doctor if I’ll live to 90. He asked if I smoke, drink, or eat steak. I said no.

He said, “Then why on earth would you want to?”
Two weeks ago, my doctor told me to walk five miles a day.

I’m in Ohio now. Can somebody come get me?
The young guy at the liquor store carded me when I bought wine yesterday.

So I bought him a bottle too.
I’m not saying I’m getting old, but I went to donate blood today.

They told me my type’s been discontinued.
My buddy bragged that his new hearing aids cost $5,000. I asked, “What kind are they?”

He checked his watch. “Quarter past two.”
In college, I paid good money for a fake ID that said I was 21.

Now I’d pay double for one that says I’m 49.
Everyone keeps telling me I’m “over the hill.”

What hill? I don’t remember any hill.
I’ve stopped buying green bananas.

At my age, that’s a long-term investment.
The cashier gave me the senior discount without even asking.

I saved three bucks and aged ten years.
These days, when I bend down to tie my shoes,

I look around for anything else I can do while I’m down there.
My cardiologist told me to do whatever it takes to keep my blood pressure down.

So I stopped opening my 401(k) statements.
We partied hard this New Year’s Eve and rang it in right at midnight.

London time. We were asleep by 7:15.
I threw out my back this weekend. Skiing? Pickleball? Moving furniture?

Nope. I sneezed in the wrong direction.
My wife says it’s time I finally got in shape.

I reminded her that round is a shape.
My buddies and I went out for a wild night on the town.

We beat the 4:30 rush at Applebee’s.
I spent twenty minutes searching the whole house for my reading glasses.

They were on my face. I’d been using them to look.
I can’t remember anyone’s name anymore, so I just call everybody “buddy.”

Including my wife. That’s been going great.
I looked in the mirror this morning, and my dad was staring back at me.

Neither of us was happy about it.
After three weeks, I finally figured out how to use my new phone.

Then it updated.
I finally made the font on my phone big enough to read.

Now the whole restaurant can read my texts too.
I turned 65, and my Medicare card finally came in the mail.

Right next to a coupon from the local funeral home.
I’ve started making a little groaning noise when I sit down.

And when I stand up. And when I think about standing up.
At 17, I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties.

At 52, I sneak out of parties to go home to bed.
The upside of a terrible memory?

I get to hide my own Easter eggs.

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