28 Funny Coffee Jokes
Coffee jokes for people who are not a morning person until the second cup.
For the people who can’t form a sentence before the first cup and start vibrating after the fourth. These coffee jokes are best enjoyed with a refill.
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People keep telling me I have a coffee problem.
Wrong. I have a no‑coffee problem.
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My wife and I agreed: whoever wakes up first makes the coffee.
I’ve been “asleep” until 9 a.m. for six straight years.
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My doctor asked how many cups of coffee I drink a day.
I said, “Cups?” and held up the pot.
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I’ve cut back to just one cup of coffee a day.
It’s a 64-ounce cup, but rules are rules.
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I had an espresso at 4 p.m. “I’ll be fine,” I said.
It’s 3 a.m. I’ve reorganized the garage and started learning Portuguese.
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I’ve reheated the same cup of coffee in the microwave four times today.
At this point it’s not a drink. It’s a hobby.
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My name is Brian. The barista wrote “Brain” on my cup.
First time anyone’s accused me of having one before 8 a.m.
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My wife asked, “If you had to choose, me or coffee?”
Apparently “Can I think about it?” was the wrong answer.
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Why do they call it “decaf”?
Because “Pointless Hot Bean Water” wouldn’t fit on the pot.
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We ran out of coffee at home this morning.
My husband drove to the store in his bathrobe. Nobody said a word. They understood.
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The guy ahead of me ordered a 14-word drink. I said, “Coffee, black.”
The barista stared at me like I’d ordered in Latin.
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The office coffee machine broke on a Monday.
Two people cried, one quit, and Steve is still sitting in the parking lot.
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I made the mistake of having a triple espresso right before my haircut.
The barber made me sign a waiver.
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Financial experts say if I skipped my daily latte, I could retire early.
Great. Six months sooner, and too tired to enjoy it.
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My family knows not to talk to me before my first cup of coffee.
The dog learned it in a day. My husband’s still in training.
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My coworker says he doesn’t need coffee because he’s “naturally energetic.”
We don’t invite him to things anymore.
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I don’t trust people who don’t drink coffee.
Where’s their energy coming from? What are they hiding?
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I own 40 coffee mugs, but I use the same one every day.
The other 39 are “for guests.” We don’t have guests.
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The menu said the coffee had “notes of blueberry and dark chocolate.”
It tasted like coffee. I paid $9 for the notes.
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Coffee prices have officially gotten out of hand.
My barista just asked if I wanted to finance the latte.
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I had four espressos before my morning meeting.
My smartwatch congratulated me on finishing a marathon.
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I tried giving up coffee once.
Worst 45 minutes of my life.
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My coffee-snob friend spent 20 minutes explaining his pour-over technique.
I drank three cups of the cheap stuff while he talked.
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Coffee doesn’t actually make me any smarter.
It just lets me make bad decisions twice as fast.
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Someone at work brewed a pot of decaf and didn’t label it.
HR is calling it a hostile work environment.
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I bought gas station coffee at 5 a.m. on a road trip.
Judging by the taste, it was brewed during the last Winter Olympics.
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I bought a programmable coffee maker so the coffee’s ready when I wake up.
Now it’s the only one in the house with its life together.
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Coffee comes from a bean. Beans are vegetables.
So technically, I’m on my sixth serving of vegetables today.