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40 Retirement Speech Jokes

Jokes and lines that work read out loud in a retirement speech or toast.

Giving a retirement speech? These lines are built to be read out loud, get a laugh from the room and keep the guest of honor smiling.

See all 47 retirement jokes

Roasting the career (11)

Lines to open a toast with a little good-natured ribbing.

  1. I gave a forty-five-minute speech at my own retirement party.

    My boss said it was the most work I’d done all year.

  2. My performance review says I “meet expectations.”

    Which is impressive, considering how low they were.

  3. I told my boss, “I’m giving my two weeks’ notice.”

    He said, “Wait… you work here?”

  4. At my retirement party, my boss gave a speech saying I was irreplaceable.

    Then he introduced the intern who’s been doing my job since March.

  5. For thirty years, my boss yelled at me for watching the clock.

    My retirement gift? A clock.

  6. After thirty-two years, the company gave me an engraved gold watch at my retirement party.

    The engraving just says, “Finally.”

  7. My coworkers took up a collection for my retirement gift after 31 years.

    Fourteen dollars and a card that says “Get Well Soon.”

  8. My coworkers chipped in and bought me a plane ticket to Florida for my retirement.

    One way. They were very clear about that.

  9. When I retired, I told my team to call me anytime they needed my expertise.

    They called once. They couldn’t find the good stapler.

  10. At my exit interview, HR asked what I’d miss most about the company.

    I said, “The paycheck.” She wrote down, “The people.”

  11. I set up an out-of-office reply before my vacation.

    It handled things so well, my boss wants to promote it.

Big retirement plans (16)

Jokes about golf, free time and the money that has to last.

  1. After forty years of taking orders, I finally retired and became my own boss.

    Worst employee I’ve ever had. Never shows up before ten.

  2. My first Monday of retirement, I woke up at ten and panicked.

    I called my old boss to say I’d be late. He said, “Take forever.”

  3. Retirement is basically a permanent vacation.

    With exactly enough money for the first week.

  4. For thirty years, I said I’d be a great golfer if I didn’t have to work.

    I retired. Work was not the problem.

  5. Since retiring, I golf every day, and my score hasn’t improved at all.

    But my lying has gotten fantastic.

  6. My financial planner asked me to walk him through my retirement strategy.

    I showed him my Powerball tickets. He asked if he could buy in.

  7. We sold the house and bought an RV so we could finally see America.

    So far we’ve seen eleven Walmart parking lots.

  8. I asked my financial advisor when I could afford to retire.

    He laughed. Then he billed me for the laugh.

  9. Since I retired, every single day feels like Saturday.

    Last week I put the trash out four times.

  10. I threw my alarm clock in the trash the day I retired.

    Now my bladder wakes me at 5 a.m. for free.

  11. I retired to Florida to get away from office politics.

    Then I went to my first condo board meeting.

  12. I took up woodworking in retirement and built my first birdhouse.

    Only $4,000 in tools. The birds prefer the neighbor’s $12 one.

  13. My wife asked why I play golf six days a week now that I’m retired.

    I told her the course is closed on Mondays.

  14. Our retired foursome plays eighteen holes every morning.

    Combined age: 288. Combined score: about the same.

  15. The worst part of retirement is the weekends.

    All these working people show up and clog my Costco.

  16. I asked my financial advisor how my 401(k) did this year.

    He asked if I wanted to sit down. Then he sat down.

Life at home after the last day (13)

A nod to the spouse and family about to see a lot more of the retiree.

  1. I retired so I could spend more time with my wife.

    Neither of us thought that through.

  2. I retired and started helping my wife around the house every day.

    She went back to work.

  3. My wife retired the same month I did.

    Now this house has two bosses and zero employees.

  4. My first week of retirement, I reorganized all my wife’s kitchen cabinets.

    My second week, she reorganized my golf clubs. Into a yard sale.

  5. My wife suggested I find a hobby now that I’m retired.

    Apparently, following her from room to room doesn’t count.

  6. The day I retired, my daughter dropped the grandkids off at my house.

    New job. Same hours. Much shorter coworkers.

  7. I’ve gotten so good at napping since I retired, I can do it with my eyes open.

    My wife calls it “listening.”

  8. Since I retired, the dog has stopped greeting me at the door.

    I never leave. He thinks I came with the house.

  9. My wife says having me home all day is like getting a second dog.

    Except the first one lets her finish a sentence.

  10. Since I retired, my wife packs me a nice lunch every single day.

    Then she drops me off at the library to eat it.

  11. Since I retired, I’ve been going grocery shopping with my wife to help.

    Now she goes at 6 a.m., while I’m still asleep.

  12. For our anniversary, our son booked us a fancy 8 p.m. dinner reservation.

    Very sweet of him. We’ll be asleep, but very sweet.

  13. Every Tuesday, my retired buddies and I meet for breakfast to solve the world’s problems.

    We’d have it fixed by now if any of us could hear.

See all 47 retirement jokes

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